Many of my more recent acquaintances may be unaware that I am a military veteran. I like to get dressed up, wear makeup, and do girly things like scrap-booking and baking. I'm anti-gun, pro-choice, pro gay rights. I don't believe that violence is the answer to any problem, and I'm just about as left-sided as people come. That is who I am now. That is not who I was 10 years ago.
I signed up for the Army when I was 17 years old. I was a pretty smart kid who got all A's and had plenty of friends who were heading off to college. My high school guidance counselor wanted me to go to college like my peers. I told everyone that joining the Army and being an air traffic controller was my dream because I didn't want them to know that my parents wouldn't give me the $40 to take the ACT or drive me the 20 miles to the community college where it was to be taken. Without an ACT score, there was really no point in applying to any colleges, so I joined the Army.
The more I told others about my "dream," the more of a reality it became. By the time I left for basic training, I had convinced myself that this was the best decision I would ever make. I was going to kick ass and be an awesome soldier. Basic training was a breeze. I was naturally good at everything we did. I achieved every high award that one could. Expert in weapons, PT badge, certificates of achievement for field work. And as I progressed through AIT and on to my permanent duty station, I continued to win every award. I was highest in my class, soldier of the month, quarter, and year. I earned three air traffic control ratings in my first seven months on the job. I was really, really good at being a soldier.
Then one night while I was working the late shift at my tower, we had an incident. An instructor pilot called our tower from an unknown location. The electronics in his helicopter were malfunctioning, and he and the student pilot were lost. There were no lights, no directional devices, one engine was shutting down. No problem! We had been trained for this scenario. We asked for his last known coordinates, number of people on board, how much fuel was remaining, if he could see any landmarks outside. We turned up our runway lights as high as they could go to increase visibility and dispatched the crash rescue team with all his information. There wasn't a doubt in my mind that everything would be fine.
Everything was not fine. The last transmission we received from the pilot was that his other engine didn't sound good, and he was going to try to set the helicopter down in the nearest field. I told him we would standby and that crash rescue was on its way, and that was the last time we spoke to him. Our company commander had us shut down the tower on time and go home. There wasn't anything else we could do anyway. A few days later we learned that the helicopter had crashed, and the instructor pilot had died. The student pilot survived, but was in a nearby hospital. My immediate response was to suck it up and go on because "I'm a soldier, and I don't have time to let my emotions get in my way." I tried this approach for a few weeks.
After many restless nights filled with tears and uncertainty, I decided that I wanted to be different. I didn't want to be a part of the military anymore. I spent the next few years doing a lot of soul-searching and eventually came to realize that the only way to really defeat my enemies is to be a peaceful, loving person. One that is free of judgement and criticism. One that can see the value in each person despite whatever negative decisions they may make. There are plenty of people who disagree with me on this subject, and that is okay. They have their own values and circumstances, and I still love and support them. And despite my own decision to leave the military and focus my life toward peace, I still support our military because I believe they are doing what they believe is right.
I realize this post seems convoluted, but my main point is this: Choose to be a good person. Make your own standard of what is right and wrong. Be kind and honest, and most of all, follow what's in your heart. I did this, and despite how differently I believe than most of my friends, they still love and accept me, and support my life choices.
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